In which I find the bookend

As I've posted before, I rejoined Weight Watchers last September when my eldest two children returned to school.

Forty weeks later, school is over and everything that hasn't gone home goes home as the classroom is stripped and cleaned.

Sorting through my son's backpack I found the above picture. It hung with all the other family pictures on the classroom bulletin board. I remember the day well, it was open house, Sept. 11, four days after I rejoined WW. My first weigh in was 3 days away.

It's actually not a terrible picture of me, although I did employ the tried and true camouflage-your-body-with-your-child move. I remember walking up the stairs (his class was on the second floor, 2 flights up) wondering how I was going to survive the climb twice a week while carrying my youngest.

And I'm wearing what used to be my standard uniform: grey Just My Size 3x T-shirt from Wal-Mart and XXL track pants from Target. Incidentally I saved that shirt and pants. That's a post for another day.

A couple of weeks before school ended we had the kids' portraits taken at a local 18th century farm. At the end of the shoot, the photographer told me to get in with the kids for a picture.

I didn't know it was coming or else I would have looked a lot better - at least showered that day.

The first thing I think of when I compare the two photos is, Wow, look how the kids have grown.

The second, Look how much I have.

We all learned a lot this year.

Week 42 Weigh-In: Big Whoop

My Weight Watchers Center temporarily moved a couple of doors down in the strip mall due to renovations.

They didn't take their computers, so everything was back to the handwritten records of old.

I stepped on Holly's scale and peered over the divider as I saw her write down the numbers (which are normally printed out on a label and stuck in my WI booklet): 1...8...


1! C'mon 1! 1! I anxiously thought.

...3.8.

183.8.

(*&#!

-1.

You're down 1! Holly chirped.

I can assure you her enthusiasm did not match mine.

Good thing I couldn't stay for the meeting (the kids had dentist appointments) because I would have looked - and felt - crabby ass. Thank goodness the dentist appointments went well or I would have been over the edge.

I'm not sure why the scale is dragging right now. I'm eating within Points and eating more on days I work out hard. I don't abuse the free fruits and vegetables option and I eat a lot of protein. I honestly track what I eat every day. The only thing I can think of is I'm eating the same-old, same-old.

I need to mix it up a bit this week, hold on and be patient.

In which I hit the pool

I'm blessed with many great friends, some of whom have pools and are very generous with their invitations to use them.

Today I took the kids over to a good friend's pool for a playdate and while there caught a glimpse of myself, from the side, in her patio doors.

I look good! I thought to myself.

I can't remember ever thinking that about my appearance in a bathing suit.

Now, don't get me wrong, you won't confuse me with Heidi Klum in a bikini. I have a lot of sagging skin on my thighs and stomach from skin stretched out too far, which has lost its elasticity due to obesity. Sadly, nothing short of surgery would ever fix that.

Even worse, I have bingo wings large enough to take down St. Mary's Sunday night game at the Knights of Columbus. And that's a real bummer as my upper arms are getting some wonderful definition from boot camp, but you'd never know it because I refuse to go sleeveless due to the underarms.

Anyway, I'm realistic about how I look: like a relatively-fit, everyday Mom in a bathing suit. And, frankly, that's all I've ever wanted to look like.

I remember going to this pool last summer in a 3X suit stretched to its limit. I hated taking off my T-shirt and going in. I hated lowering myself in on the ladder, it was difficult to get my 280+ lbs in and as always I was paranoid I would break it. And trying to get myself out was not fun either, thank you gravity.

But this year it's different. My body may not be a 10, but it's mine and I've worked hard for it, flaws and all.

Week 41 Weigh-In: Is That All There Is?

Not an exciting day at the scale.

-1, which is better than +1, but I was hoping for more. I'm so close to -100, the closer I get the more frustrated I am about not getting there now.

And I know that's ridiculous because I am doing all I can. I get there when I get there, but that's easier said when you're there.

However, to get there yesterday I would have had to -3.4, which is a lot. I just keep telling myself on these types of weeks:

You cannot expect to lose 3 lbs every other week.

Your body knows what it's doing, when it's ready to drop more, it will.

Trust Points+, move your body and trust yourself.

The last thing I want anyone reading this to think is, She's got it all covered. Because I really don't. I get frustrated and discouraged just like everyone else, believe me. Some days I want to drive as fast as I can to Panera and eat my way through bakery case.

I'm sure this isn't an original thought, but I liken losing weight to running up a hill (which I hate, BTW).

It sucks at the bottom of the hill. It sucks in the middle. And when you're close to the top, sure you can see the end, but your muscles are screaming and your breathing is rapid. The grade gets to its steepest point and you're trying so damn hard to just keep moving your feet and get to the top of that hill. It's tough mentally and physically. The last quarter of this adventure is very much like near-top-of-the-hill fatigue.

However, running hills makes me a better, stronger runner. And losing weight makes me a stronger, healthier person.

I've said this in my Weight Watcher meetings and it's true: One of the hardest parts of weight loss is patience.

I just have to remember that, have a good eating and exercise week and take it from there.

In which there's a silver lining to regaining 100+ lbs

I'm a glass-half-full person, so perhaps this is a post that could only come from me.

Because when you read the title, you're thinking, No (*&#&$^ way there is an upside to that.

And, for the most part, you'd be right.

In many earlier posts I've mentioned that I became a Lifetime member of Weight Watchers in 2003. I joined WW in April 2002, 286 lbs (above left), thoroughly and completely done with being obese. I attacked losing then like I do now - 100% committed in eating and exercise. I reached goal in August 2003 and became a Lifetime member on, of all days, my birthday in September 2003 (above right), having lost 124 lbs.

One of the main reasons I wanted to lose weight was to get pregnant. And, annoyingly, once I was at goal I could not get pregnant. Discouraged after months, I decided to just eat what I wanted, it's not like I was getting pregnant, anyway.

Eighteen months later, 250+ lbs, I got pregnant. Figures, right?

Anyway, that's a post for another day. I can hear you, Get to the silver lining!

First, if you lose 100 lbs, I would recommend you not regain it. If you think it's work losing it once, it's not any easier or more fun doing it the second time.

However, there are two things I was able to rely on this second time around:

1. I knew because I did it once, I could do it again. There was no, Maybe I can't... worry. I knew I could. I knew I would. That's pretty reassuring.

2. This is a biggie. I knew, deep down to my bones, that no matter what I was facing, food is never the answer. After you eat whatever you think will make you feel better, you'll always feel worse. Especially if you're an all-or-nothing person like me.

I've relied on #2 a lot this week. June is a very difficult month as a parent. Activities are ending, school is ending, so there's games, dress rehearsals, recitals, parties, field days, presents to buy, notes to write, forms to fill out for summer activities, I mean, it's never-friggin-ending in June. The things to do, the stuff to remember is ridiculous.

This week was exceptionally busy on that front. Under the weather a bit, my resistance was low. I was mentally wiped out and physically hurting. Then yesterday it got worse.

My son came down with a bug, which meant canceling a long-awaited night out with my husband - and the sitter I worked so hard to book. It also meant my son would miss his last soccer game and the season-ending pizza party he was so looking forward to. And it meant I would have to miss my daughter's dance recital today since it's unfair to leave a potentially-puking kid with a sitter.

The pressures were really high and I was really bummed about how everything quickly went in the crapper, yet I never once thought that raiding a bakery would make me feel better. I honestly knew it wouldn't.

And in the past I've known that, too, but still turned to food to get me through whatever I needed to get through. I remember thinking This will not solve anything and I will feel worse, but screw it. But this go-round, this final time, I believe in that as much as I believe in anything.

Would I trade that assurance for not having regained the weight? In a millisecond. But if regaining it led me to this very important realization, then it wasn't a complete disaster.

Week 40 Weigh-In: A new life

In 40 weeks you can create, carry and deliver a new life.

Today was my 40th weigh-in at WW and the comparison was not lost on me.

I was -1.8 lbs today, a good loss to bring me to -96.6, ever closer to a triple-digit loss.

When I was entering my weekly weigh-in info at the WW website, I looked at the chart and realized, I weigh 185. My WW goal weight is 175. I am within 10 lbs!

Actually, I'm within 8 lbs. Since I am already a Lifetime member, I have to get within 2lbs of my goal weight and then I can attend meetings for free (something I pay $40 a month for currently). So, once I'm under 177, I will be No Pay.

However, my work is not done. If you read this post from last week, you know I have more goals beyond 175.

I was thinking about it today and while 40 weeks seems like a long time (and that's certainly the case when you're pregnant), it really isn't. I started WW when my children went back to school last September. Next week is their last week of school.

The school year seemed to fly, but in that time I put in a lot of solid mental and physical effort and delivered a new life for myself in terms of health and fitness.

I'm just so glad I started when I did. I don't even want to think of what I would feel like if I let that "Rejoin WW" deadline pass and spent another 40 weeks as I was. Yikes.

In which wearing is believing

I was rummaging through the closet today and I spied a pair of pants.

That pair of pants - a pair of Size 12 hand-me-down jeans from a friend, forever the smallest, furthest-away-from-fittingest pair in the closet.

Eh, what the hell... I thought, dropped trou and stepped into them to see how far I had to go.

Up over the knees. And thighs. And hips...comfortably. Then the big test.

I grabbed the zipper and pulled. And it closed. Comfortably.

Wait. What? They zipped! They fiiiiiiiit! I can wear these, right now, anywhere I want.

I can wear a Size 12!

Holy smokes.

For months these have been the smallest pair of pants in the closet. I believe the last time I tried them on, months ago, I couldn't get them past my knees.

And now I'm wearing them as I type this.

This time last year I was wearing Size 26, pictured above and on the right contrasted against my newfound skinny jeans.

That is a nice way to wrap up the week.