Monday, September 5, 2011

In which it all moves me to tears

For the past 364 days I've been a Weight Watcher, I've never cried over it, which is odd considering how charged this whole process is with emotion.

Joy, sadness, frustration, exertion, fear, accomplishment, worry, anger, triumph: It can be an emotional roller coaster. And I'm a very emotional person who crys at the drop of a hat, so it's odd I was never moved to tears over anything at any point.

Until this morning.

I went to the gym for my weekly trip on the elliptical. I love Monday mornings at the gym and I truly enjoy the elliptical. I can listen to my music, watch/read SportsCenter, work up a good sweat and really let my mind wander without worrying I may run into a ditch, get hit by a car or take an 8-lb medicine ball to the head.

After the gym, I made a quick trip to the grocery store and then drove home.

About halfway home, Coldplay's "Fix You" came on. It's one of my all-time favorite moody/broody songs and the combination of that song and thinking about my past almost-year on WW just about knocked me out from the first chords.

I joined WW a year ago tomorrow and I've been thinking a lot about that over the past few days: where I was, where I am now. Maybe everything was simmering just under the surface but, very quickly, I was pulled under a giant tidal wave of emotion.

I'm wasn't sure why the tears fell today. Exhaustion? Joy? I don't know. I wasn't sad, but I also wasn't overjoyed. When I got to this point in the process, I thought I would be incredibly triumphant. What was I feeling? I didn't know, but I knew I had never experienced it before.

But then, after hours of thinking about it in the back of my head, it hit me: Relief. I cried because I was so very relieved.

You see, when I made Lifetime in 2003, the final few months were a real grind. Mentally it was very difficult and I could feel myself slipping. I'd drive by a convenience store and daydream about all the food I would love to eat. I really wanted the Point-counting and exercise to end. Sure, the scale said I was at my Lifetime weight, but my head wasn't.

I had massive urges to sneak away and eat whatever I wanted. And it killed me until I finally gave in, did just that and didn't look back until Sept. 7, 2010.

But I realized today that mentally I have made it - or at least further than I have before. I no longer have those urges. I truly am OK with this whole process having no end point and WWing for the rest of my life.

I know it won't be easy, but it will be manageable, and I will be able to peacefully enjoy life and food.

So to arrive at that point after a lifetime of losing, gaining and now, finally, losing for good, sure, cry away.

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